Everywhere I go for self-help, “they” tell me to be my true authentic self. It doesn’t matter if it is metaphysical, a church, a teacher, a friend, and the most “helpful” of all, . . . Facebook. “They” say, be your true self, the REAL you. That’s just when all is “good,” right?
So I keep following this advice to be myself, because quite honestly I can’t be any other way. When conversing with others I am polite, sweet, try to make them laugh, etc, when all is good. When its not so good I try to be compassionate, patient, but very honest. But when people ask me what is wrong, speak to me in disrespect, or ask my advice, I tell them. No filters. This is considered wrong in a social context. But I never know this until after I have opened my mouth and then learn my blunder. However, I still do not ultimately understand why the truth is wrong. I have had many people tell me the truth, straight up. And it is tough, it made me cry and get a little angry, but I didn’t die. And, everybody might be quick and jump to say that the truth isn’t wrong. But actions belie them.
When I make this blunder, “they” often never talk to me again. Or, I get a polite, “I’m busy” for a couple of months. Or, the person just never talks about that subject with me again.
Apparently, being myself means telling the truth (I can’t help it) I was born without filters, which I found out that my brain does not have the inhibitory factor that makes me stop or start an action, so I react without “thinking.” I say things when I shouldn’t, and have trouble shutting up when I should. If these are my worst offenses, this country is in trouble!
Unfortunately, I live in a place where people use filters that distort the truth and create illusions. They tell me I have a disorder because I don’t understand “social rules.” Meanwhile, I watch them all run around in pain, watching them sell these distortions to each other and then get upset about it. Or watching them sell these distortions to each other and then getting upset when they hear the truth. I watch them in misery and confusion and tell them the truth and they get mad at that too. Do I not understand the rules? Or am I just completely incapable of buying such bullshit?
Many say trying to figure out a person with Asperger’s is hard, but I beg to differ. I can’t figure out why people invest so much running from the truth. Yeah, it does hurt, I know, I have been hurt too. I wasn’t born without pain receptors. I have been the focal point of some very dark scheming before. And I often feel other people’s pain to the point where I get sick. But after awhile, we get used to the pain. That is proven scientific fact. But those that do everything to avoid it will never, ever get used to it, and will continue to honestly believe that they will never get used to it, because from their point of view, it is true. They will never get used to the pain as long as it just sits there like their shadow while they absorb themselves into some addiction.
It is hardly a wonder why people with Asperger’s cannot understand these “rules.” Everyone is so sick. Why are you following sick rules? Feeling is not a choice for a person with Asperger’s. We cannot run and distract ourselves from it like others can. Maybe trying life from the view of an Asperger’s would help you adopt a more stable lifestyle, which would then help you tolerate the truth. Learning the ebb and flow of pain through proper management and discipline makes a person solid as a rock. I should know. After awhile there is nothing left to lose.
Somedays, its hard not to believe that people actually enjoy being in pain, watching this drama of life, The Intolerable Truth.