Today I learned that it is only, to be myself. Whatever that might be in the moment. And the illusion is that there is something else to be. And that there is something others want me to be. The truth is, people love it when I am myself.
I realized there is nothing to fight with other people when telling them the truth. I am only fighting the things going on inside my own mind. And when I come to terms with my struggles before talking to others, the conversation is calm. Because I don’t give them anything to fight, except themselves and what is going on in their minds. This allows us to fight our own battles without getting tangled up in other’s struggles. I can still be my own person without being drawn off into another.
And when I am calm, funny, and real, I get more of the types of interactions that I want with others. More light-heartedness and easy interactions that feel light and glorious compared to the weight of the demands of my life. And others help lift that weight when they are light, easy, and fun. We help each other, while carrying our own weight.
And when I am being this way, I give permission to others to be this way. They can choose to realize that life is never easy, but our attitude towards makes it more bearable. Our attitudes towards each other make interactions easier.
Although I always sit under the weight of the world with Asperger’s, under the weight of full time classes, under the weight of poverty, under the weight of many other issues, my daughter and I still found 30 minutes to laugh until our stomachs ached and tears rolled out of our eyes. We laughed until we could laugh no more. We save each other through unconditional love, uncontrollable laughter, and infinite patience with one another.
When I first learned that I had AS and am a single mom, I thought, I have no idea how I’ve made it this far being a mother, without her father’s support or presence, and for many years without my family, and very few friends. I don’t know how I was able to do all that with my daughter. But the truth is, I don’t know how I would’ve made it this far without her.
She is the one that has taught me to be light, to have laughter, to let go and be silly. She is the one that gave me permission to be who I am, even if I do act immature for my age. But its all in good fun, and we have a lot of fun together. What is life without fun? Without others? Without truly learning to communicate with people in such a way that a friendship or relationship could result in this? I couldn’t have it any other way.